I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
