dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
