I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
