I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
