I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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