I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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