I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
a search helicopter?!
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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