I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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