So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
