1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
