dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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