Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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