Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
