i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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