The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
