apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
