Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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