Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
