I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
