New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
should my penis look like a turkey
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
