My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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