This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
