A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
