apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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