captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
