I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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