Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
