I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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