I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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