I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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