Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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