dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
