the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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