The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
