I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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