i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's shark week go big or go home
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
