there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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