cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
