got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
