so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
