Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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