did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
