I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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