i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
