please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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