so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
