This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
