We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
