i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
