What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
