are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
